I Do Not Wear a Mask

My father always said "your too pretty for make up, you don't need it." I never understood why he said that. I'm not pretty, my face is actually rather funny looking. But it's stand able. My face isn't disturbing (to most), but when I was younger I always wanted to wear it. I was fascinated by the idea of fitting in. Obsessed. I was actually kind of daring. I was always hated, I'm still not sure why, but instead of slinking off to a corner with the other geeks. I and I alone sat with the cool kids. It was actually a funny sight. Me the biggest 'butt of the joke' sitting with the most popular kids in school. Of course the gossiped about me behind my back (the nicest did), others told me that I did not belong there, one girl actually threatened to jump me after school. But I never budged. I never got up. They could never make me. I wore the make up I stole from my mother. My friend applied it before class and we gently removed it at the end of the day. I felt like now that I wore the magic mask of makeup I could blend in with the popular girls. I thought that boys may begin to show and interest and I would be something greater than myself. I would be cool. After a week I lost interest. I looked at myself in the mirror and was appalled, disgusted even. This person staring back at me, it was not me but a lousy knock off of every other girl I've met. I felt like a cheap sellout. And even more of a loser than before. I took of this mask with soap and water. And I try my best to never have to put it back on. I never want to. I dont like my face, but at least I can recognize the person it is. I don't wear a mask. This is why. 

Foxy, please read this

I hate this. If i tell you it ruins it but if i don't you don't know. And even if i do it will just give me false hopes that maybe just maybe I'll get what i need out of life to feel satisfied. I gave you all i had and now i have nothing. I love you with all i have, don't you understand that? We used to be so happy. I fell in love with you because i felt like i had finally found someone i can trust. I felt like you were true. You are. Here. Here is what i want. I am depressed. That's why I've been so snarky and bitchy and bickering. That's how i cope. Take me out of this. If you want to prove you love me, tell me everyday. Tell me why and how much. Don't let me just guess. Surprise me with things you think I'll like. Not things you think girls like, things I like. I don't mean things that cost a fortune. Anything as simple as a love letter. Or something you made yourself. The next time you take me out take me not to the most expensive place you know but plan a romantic dinner of fast food eaten by a pond or lake as the sun goes down. Treat me like you used to. Love me like you used to. I trust you. I love you. I think you are spectacular and amazing. But i guess you can say, I'm broken. My heart is broken. Fix it. I get tired of crying and keeping it a secret so you don't feel bad. Please fix it.

After the Storm

I did it. I told him. I spoke to him about how I feel. I worry that I broke his heart when I did. I worry that I poured salt on healing wounds and added insult to injury, but I couldn't hold my breath anymore. I needed to clear the air before I fell apart. Before I was past the point of no return and our relationship was unsalvageable. I needed to let him know I was going down so he could catch me. I feel selfish for this. I feel like I caused him pain by being honest. I love him. I never want him to feel pain. I never want him to feel hardship and for him I only want the best. But I can't live like this anymore. I feel broken, as a result what we have feels broken. My love when I said fix it, I meant fix us. Fix me. I feel like now that I've said everything to you, it's time to rebuild. Time to rise from the ashes, and pain and start anew. 

Thicker air

My heart and my lungs feel the same feeling. Suffocation. It's so stuffy and all my stress and worry makes the air thick and hard to breathe. I'm so tired of this. I'm so sick of it. Constant migraines, crying my self to sleep, feeling lesser, what have I done to deserve this. I'm at a stand still in my life. I need to do something. I need a plan. I'm tired of being pathetic. I'm tired of being a loser, and I'm tired of isolation. I haven't many friends. I go nowhere. I sit at home and wait for him to text. I'm tired of everyone constantly in my ear telling me to get a life. The more they do this the more afraid I get. And I go nowhere. I'm tired of my depression and anxiety being pushed off to the side and I'm tired of being forgotten. I'm tired of having to suck it up and take it like a man. I'm WEAK...... and I just want to be left alone. 

Both sides of the Fence

We can be together. That's wonderful... Right? That's the point I don't know. I'm sitting here and contemplating us. I'm contemplating you. For 9 months I lived on cloud nine, but I feel like reality got so large it knocked me off. And hitting the ground hurt. Your not a perfect person. Then again neither am I. But part of a relationship is accepting another's faults. I do love you very very much. I want to believe you do too. I do believe you do but you'll have to prove it. Our relationship is a question I'm weary of answering. My head says no. My heart screams yes. 

In My Shoes.

Anxiety attacks and Depression 

I can't breathe. I can't think straight. I can't breathe. My hands are tingling. I'm excited and exhausted at the same time. Air is becoming a rarity. It seems as though the torturous thoughts in my mind are spilling out and making the air thick and hard to breathe. Cold air is easier to breathe than hot air. But it seems as though all the air is hot, no matter the temperature. I hate this feeling. I hate myself for feeling this feeling. All my thoughts are scattered, broken up in thousands of pieces. They're fragile. Glass. I feel my brow becoming furrowed. My heart is racing. I grit my teeth. I clench them. I unclench them. I clench them again. I unclench them again. I clench them. I grip my leg. I pinch myself. I try to keep it in. To let my pinching become an outlet to relieve all of this. Then soon I feel calmer. For a second I feel relief. Then the second part comes. I hate myself. I feel heavy. I feel tired. I feel sore. I feel sad. Depression. Self loathing is common for me. I see every flaw I have. I feel them. I don't want to move. I don't want to think. My eye lids become heavy. I feel naked. Anyone who looks at me is laughing at me. Criticizing. I'm paranoid. My stomach begins to ache. I feel lethargic. I notice that I must have gained weight. My breasts are oddly shaped. I have ugly legs. I have ugly feet. I mustn't ever leave the privacy of my home again.     One single sentence repeats in my mind. Let me die. 

Your hoodie

Your Hoodie

There are some parts of your hoodie that still smells like you, but I wouldn't be lying that after a month or so these spots are becoming scarce. The next time I see you we must trade hoodies because I have three of yours. I'll be sure to wash it and sleep with it a couple nights so it smells like me for you. Your hoodies comfort me. Your pheromones are a comforting scent. I lay there and smell them and imagine your there with me, and sends me off to sleep with a kind memory. I pull my blankets tighter around me and hug my teddy tighter and kiss her head. I imagine what you'd say. You'd tell me how cute I am (even though I'm not). You'd kiss me and make me feel warm and fuzzy. I imagine that you've come to surprise me and climb in bed behind me as I'm half asleep. You'd hug me from behind. You'd kiss my shoulder and talk to me in your sweet deeper voice because your trying to be quiet. You tell me that you love me. You tell me that your happy to see me. You wrap your arms around my waist and hold me from behind. You rest your head on my shoulder and I can't help but smile. I can feel your heart beat in your chest and you're warm. I turn around and to face you. That's when it hits me. Your not actually there. Your somewhere else thinking of me too. But at least your thinking of me, at least I'm not alone in the world. And I know I'll see you soon.