In My Shoes.

Anxiety attacks and Depression 

I can't breathe. I can't think straight. I can't breathe. My hands are tingling. I'm excited and exhausted at the same time. Air is becoming a rarity. It seems as though the torturous thoughts in my mind are spilling out and making the air thick and hard to breathe. Cold air is easier to breathe than hot air. But it seems as though all the air is hot, no matter the temperature. I hate this feeling. I hate myself for feeling this feeling. All my thoughts are scattered, broken up in thousands of pieces. They're fragile. Glass. I feel my brow becoming furrowed. My heart is racing. I grit my teeth. I clench them. I unclench them. I clench them again. I unclench them again. I clench them. I grip my leg. I pinch myself. I try to keep it in. To let my pinching become an outlet to relieve all of this. Then soon I feel calmer. For a second I feel relief. Then the second part comes. I hate myself. I feel heavy. I feel tired. I feel sore. I feel sad. Depression. Self loathing is common for me. I see every flaw I have. I feel them. I don't want to move. I don't want to think. My eye lids become heavy. I feel naked. Anyone who looks at me is laughing at me. Criticizing. I'm paranoid. My stomach begins to ache. I feel lethargic. I notice that I must have gained weight. My breasts are oddly shaped. I have ugly legs. I have ugly feet. I mustn't ever leave the privacy of my home again.     One single sentence repeats in my mind. Let me die. 

Your hoodie

Your Hoodie

There are some parts of your hoodie that still smells like you, but I wouldn't be lying that after a month or so these spots are becoming scarce. The next time I see you we must trade hoodies because I have three of yours. I'll be sure to wash it and sleep with it a couple nights so it smells like me for you. Your hoodies comfort me. Your pheromones are a comforting scent. I lay there and smell them and imagine your there with me, and sends me off to sleep with a kind memory. I pull my blankets tighter around me and hug my teddy tighter and kiss her head. I imagine what you'd say. You'd tell me how cute I am (even though I'm not). You'd kiss me and make me feel warm and fuzzy. I imagine that you've come to surprise me and climb in bed behind me as I'm half asleep. You'd hug me from behind. You'd kiss my shoulder and talk to me in your sweet deeper voice because your trying to be quiet. You tell me that you love me. You tell me that your happy to see me. You wrap your arms around my waist and hold me from behind. You rest your head on my shoulder and I can't help but smile. I can feel your heart beat in your chest and you're warm. I turn around and to face you. That's when it hits me. Your not actually there. Your somewhere else thinking of me too. But at least your thinking of me, at least I'm not alone in the world. And I know I'll see you soon.