The Empire Strikes Back

I'm the kind of person to fight for what I love. I'm durable and tougher than I look. I defend myself with a raunchy bit of comedy, and a good time. If I can't laugh, I'll cry. I get this trait from my mother, and it has proven useful my whole life. My love and I are split, and as hard as I try I cannot laugh about it. To make matters worse, his mother, who forced the split, has openly attacked me and my family. They have me backed into a corner and I have attempted to take the high road and avoid confrontation with her as much as possible. This grown woman is demolishing my reputation, attacking me, and has single handedly ruined my senior year, yet I still feel a massive amount of sympathy for her. This woman believes that she's losing her son. She doesn't understand that she's pushing him away. I am not hurting him and I've caused him nothing but happiness. I think what hurts the most is that before we fought it. We fought back. Now he's tired of fighting, and I know if I fight it's going to turn out worse for him than if we don't fight it. He hurts as much as I do. I don't know what to do. I've thought of every avenue under the sun, even drastic measures that I know will never work out. As mellow dramatic as this is, life doesn't seem worth it anymore. I'd never do it, don't worry too much. That is the thought that runs through my head every few seconds. Death. Hey, maybe then they'll see what they're doing and they'll treat him better. Maybe he'll even get to attend my funeral if he's a very good boy and does all his chores. See what I told you? Raunchy humor, it works.

The Hard Truth

You're right love, this does hurt. I'm alone and cold and sad. I know you are too, at least the sad part. Maybe I'm just losing my mind. Would you still love me if I lost it? Would you still love me if I went mad? I've been toying with the idea because it's a possibility. Then again it's a possibility you might never come back too. I know that you promised you would, I believe you. You've never lied to me, and I know what you want to do. Love, the unfortunate thing about life is that it's more so about what one has to do. I don't know love, just promise that if (hopefully when)you come back, come back because you truly love me and not because you promised to. I keep dreaming of you. Good dreams made sad by the realization that they aren't true. 

In one dream you came to my house, you were smiling. I came outside to greet this unexpected visit with fear and curiosity. It was late. You rushed to greet me, swooped me off my feet and kissed me. You were so happy, and I was so confused. I asked what was going on. You said that we've won. You said that you talked to them, that they understood. You said that it was all over and that you were mine forever. You said that you loved me, and that you were never going to let me go. You said you were going to hold me until the end of time. We stayed there on the front porch for a while, talking and cuddling. And then you said you must go home, and that you'd be here to get me early in the morning tomorrow. I was so excited and happy. We won! Finally! Happiness prevails! So I went upstairs and went to bed. I woke up in real life, the dream was over, but it felt so real that for a while I believed it. I got in the shower, and afterwards put on lotion. Then I went to check the time and saw that it was 3 am. There it hit me. You weren't coming to get me. We didn't win. We could not hug and cuddle. You were never here the day before. You never swooped me off my feet. You were at home. You were probably asleep, maybe dreaming of me too. I got very sad. I laid back down in bed  and thought of you until the sun came up, staring at the ceiling. This feeling I felt, I am thoroughly positive is hell. I think heartache like this is what hell must feel like. An eternity of this.  

What I'm thinking.

So you wanted to know what I'm thinking love? I'm thinking that you, good sir, are the epitome of perfection. I'm thinking that you are my love. I'm thinking that at times you drive me crazy but I'm also thinking that if you ever stopped it would be you. I love you for all that you are, all that you were, and all that you can be. I will always love you. I'm thinking that we are going through some tough tough times, and honestly I've begun to worry for my sanity. Being with out you is torture, but I'm thinking that we will prevail. I'm thinking that I love you. I'm knowing that I love you. I'm also thinking that I'm going to have to cut this short because I have to walk home and the rain outside the library just stopped. I'm sorry love. You wanted to know what I was thinking, and in the end its not Arby's (lol) it's Foxy.