Sex

I feel like my blog has been very clean up until this point… a little too clean. Quite honestly we all have a dirty side, a sexual side, which we all seem to suppress. I don’t really know the reason behind this mass suppression of sexual thoughts. Sex is natural, and impeccable to our survival as a species. I wonder… Could the reason behind our shame in sexual activity have to do with the wide spread of Judeo-Christian beliefs? Or could it be because we know sex spawns children, and for someone like me (an unwed, unemployed, senior in high school from a lower working class family) that would be incredibly irresponsible? I don’t know. I really don’t know much on this topic, mostly because I am the sole owner of my V-card. The only reason this is on my mind is that I love my Love, and I feel like eventually, maybe sooner than later, we will make love, and it will be brilliant. Grown up in an incredibly Christian household I know the nobler thing to do is waiting until marriage. The catch is I don’t want to wait. Before you make judgments I think you should know he is not pressuring me, I honestly would never let him. Whenever it comes to that I can stand on my own two feet.  I understand the importance of protection so don’t worry. I feel ready and I only want to give this gift to him. I guess I’m de-suppressing my sexual side.

Procrastnation

Once, as I was surfing the web, I ran across a little saying that still rings incredibly true. Anytime I procrastinate it pops up into my head. It was ‘Procrastination is like masturbation, it feels really good at first but once you’ve finished you realize that you’ve just fucked yourself’.  I still procrastinate despite this obvious omen (whether I masturbate is my business). Well I’ve done it. I’ve done it big time. Now I might not graduate on time and its all procrastination’s fault. Well technically my fault. It’s so easy to do.  You get all pumped up to do something and something else catches your eye that looks better. One thing leads to another and you’ve forgotten that you had to do the original thing in the first place. Now it’s due, and I don’t have much time to finish. I can’t do it on my own, mostly because I’m not smart enough.  It’s math.  Hard math. I’ve asked my home school to help me, set me up with an afterschool tutor maybe? They claim it’s too much of an inconvenience to them, which it is an inconvenience. On the other hand I’m still their student!  They can’t just pass me off to vocational school as their problem.  I don’t know what to do but I do know this. I must graduate on time. I must show the world that I can be a competent citizen.

The empire has fallen back!

I know I've written frequently about my love but there is a part that I haven't written about. I only write about it now because I feel that it was quite important and it must be documented. There was a bit of a ...misunderstanding ( that's the right word) between his family and i. When we began dating, they all seemed to carry a friendly kind of stand-offish aura. I'm quite shy and this kind of intimidated me, because I did not know exactly what they thought of me. Now understand a bit of my background, when I say in the geeky girl in the back of the class I truly am. I'm used to an environment of backstabbing and misleading friends that aren't really friends. My level of distrust was really only natural. They are really only concerned for his wellbeing so their level of distrust was natural also. His family was honestly very nice and I tried my best to be polite. I guess I was a bit overly polite. That's why it took me aback when they openly disapproved of our relationship. I began to wonder why and the potential reasons ranged from my unique style of dress to my father's lower financial status, which I still wonder if it were a contributing factor. They forbade us to be around each other. It was a mentally exasperating part of my life, and I couldn't help but feel that it was my fault. It wasn't until about a month ago that I went to his house for the first time since the problem started. They seemed nice which was expected. I ate dinner there and I guess I was just... myself. I wasn't my total self, normally I have a mouth like a sailor and know almost every dirty joke under the sun, but I was more myself than I was before. I guess a more refined or pure version of myself. They seemed to be okay with me. That was a bit unexpected. I was preparing myself for hell fire and brimstone. We joking call his dad Darth Vader and their opposition to us the empire but as I said I think the empire is beginning to fall back. I still don't fully trust them but I'm getting there and I'm sure they feel the same. We'll get there... soon.

The fifth edition of the elder scrolls series is my favorite game. That part is obvious, but as long as I've been playing my mother has teased me about it. She games too but she plays games like the Fable series, Minecraft, and arcade games. An open world game like Skyrim just isn't really up her alley and I've come to accept that. Because of this I was quite frankly surprised when she asked me to help her play a few days ago. I guess from watching me game she's become drawn to the extensivness of the miscellaneous quests and side missions. She at first was quite frustrated with the first person point of view aspect of it in the beginning cinematic scene but she has come to prefer the first person point of view while doing archery, and fighting dragons. She's actually very good and is leveling up relatively quickly. She asks me to help her through occasionally but honestly she's just bum rushing about every quest she can find, and she's very good. Because of this I'm beginning to wonder is she going to surpass me? I really wouldn't mind but my brother, who thinks he's a master league gamer, may feel a bit... emasculated? This I would find comical to see. You see any time I'm even just a level ahead of him he has to play to beat me. It's a new form of sibling rivalry. Any other time he could care less about Skyrim. He would rather play Halo or Borderlands. So I normally don't care if his level is a bit higher than mine, but for my mother to surpass him would make him crazy.

Adjectives

Every time I’m with my love, as he holds me in is arms, he tells me things. He confesses his love to me, he tells me how much I mean to him, and he uses beautiful adjectives. Adjectives that, said in his charmingly quirk manner, make my knees wobble, my heart melt, and my mind buzz. But, if my mind is buzzing I can’t do the best job possible confessing my love to him. My use of adjectives become  … over used. They seem generic to me and whether he feels the same or not I feel for my own sanity that I must get exactly what he is down in written word (or Microsoft word to be more specific).

                He’s brilliant, in mind and in spirit, which as a matter of fact is what originally attracted me to him in the first place. He has a beautiful soul, an innocent one, not just in virginity but he seems to have been kept from all tarnishes in the world. He’s clean from all imperfections. At the same time his imperfections are what make him perfect. They are not so much imperfections to me but shiny medals of valor. He really has no need for shame yet he feels it. This makes him humble. He knows he’s not the center of the world (not including mine). He’s brave too. He’s the knight in shining armor that I never thought I could need so much. He’s the only one who I have ever felt comfortable enough to tell everything. I could never lie to him. I have never lied to him. I could lie with him; in a bed I mean, curl up beside him and sleep. He accepts me for me. He’s talented. Not many can edit film like he does. He’s determined, if he sets his mind to something he does it. He’s gentle, not once has he hurt me. Not once has he asked me to do anything I never wanted to do. He’s chivalrous, gentlemanly. He’s funny and honest. His sense of humor is one to rival that of Robin Williams. He knows how to make me feel my best. Not to mention he’s more handsome than Channing Tatum and with a smile twice as irresistible.  His eyes are a shade of sky blue with an utter deepness to them, like Lake Erie but a million times more beautiful. He’s phenomenal, and he never ceases to amaze me. He loves me even during sinus season when I’m all sniffley. He tells me I’m beautiful, although I’ll never believe him he believes himself. Also he tells me I’m intelligent. He opens doors not only tangible ones but doors to my world. He has torn down every wall I’ve spent years building up, and it didn’t even hurt. He is my Atlas, holding up my whole world, and yet simultaneously being my whole world. I would do anything for him. I truly believe he would do anything for me. I really do love him.