After the Storm

I did it. I told him. I spoke to him about how I feel. I worry that I broke his heart when I did. I worry that I poured salt on healing wounds and added insult to injury, but I couldn't hold my breath anymore. I needed to clear the air before I fell apart. Before I was past the point of no return and our relationship was unsalvageable. I needed to let him know I was going down so he could catch me. I feel selfish for this. I feel like I caused him pain by being honest. I love him. I never want him to feel pain. I never want him to feel hardship and for him I only want the best. But I can't live like this anymore. I feel broken, as a result what we have feels broken. My love when I said fix it, I meant fix us. Fix me. I feel like now that I've said everything to you, it's time to rebuild. Time to rise from the ashes, and pain and start anew. 

Thicker air

My heart and my lungs feel the same feeling. Suffocation. It's so stuffy and all my stress and worry makes the air thick and hard to breathe. I'm so tired of this. I'm so sick of it. Constant migraines, crying my self to sleep, feeling lesser, what have I done to deserve this. I'm at a stand still in my life. I need to do something. I need a plan. I'm tired of being pathetic. I'm tired of being a loser, and I'm tired of isolation. I haven't many friends. I go nowhere. I sit at home and wait for him to text. I'm tired of everyone constantly in my ear telling me to get a life. The more they do this the more afraid I get. And I go nowhere. I'm tired of my depression and anxiety being pushed off to the side and I'm tired of being forgotten. I'm tired of having to suck it up and take it like a man. I'm WEAK...... and I just want to be left alone. 

Both sides of the Fence

We can be together. That's wonderful... Right? That's the point I don't know. I'm sitting here and contemplating us. I'm contemplating you. For 9 months I lived on cloud nine, but I feel like reality got so large it knocked me off. And hitting the ground hurt. Your not a perfect person. Then again neither am I. But part of a relationship is accepting another's faults. I do love you very very much. I want to believe you do too. I do believe you do but you'll have to prove it. Our relationship is a question I'm weary of answering. My head says no. My heart screams yes.